CURITIBA, BRAZIL

More than three thousand Amish, Hutterite, and Mennonite athletes from around the world are descending on Curitiba, Brazil this week for the opening of the World Anabaptist Games.

“We’re very excited that our region is finally hosting the Games,” says Hans Kraybill of nearby Neu Witmarsum colony. “We are certain, unlike those weltlijch games up there in Rio, our games will go off without a hitch.”

Anabaptist athletes will compete in events such as catechism recitation, competitive fishing, Scrabble, cousin-kissing, horseshoes, barn-raising, knipsbrat, synchronized quilting and Dutch Blitz. The premiere event of the Games, however, is the 100-metre knackzoat spitting competition.

“Four years ago at the Fraser Valley games, we had some issues with Team Canada’s Ben W. Klassen – they found schmaut fat in his system. However, this year we’ve implemented strict guidelines to prevent performance-enhancing substances. Everyone has agreed to comply…except for the Russians. Anyway, we’ve even come up with new testing that can detect Jreewe in the blood.” 

A new event to the games this year is called Team Gossiping, whereby teammates pass on a rumour about members from another team. Whichever team’s gossip is the most off-base and distorted by the time it reaches the finish line wins the medal.

“However, we here on the Anabaptist Olympic committee believe that the last shall be first,” explained Kraybill, “so, this year we’ve decided that the Bronze and Silver podium will be at the same level as the Gold, and that Gold medal winners will have to milk the other competitor’s cows for a whole month in order to develop a servant’s heart.”

The World Anabaptist Games commences tonight with a grand opening ceremony that is said to include a hymn sing, the lighting of the Anabaptist Olympic candle, and a sermon about women being submissive by Pastor Johan Peters of Blumenau.

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